I've been battling endlessly with my own demons for the whole complete month or so, but finally it wrapped up beautifully yesterday. Alhamdulillah. After what seemed like a long stretch of days filled solely with darkness and seeing how my life got fucked up real bad, when forgiveness was handed genuinely, all burden that heaved me up inside were lifted and dissipated in the midst of air. This sudden shift in my emotions really makes me feel lighter now, both in my heart and my mind. I still couldn't held a good grasp on my new chapter after the closure of the last one, only because it's too wonderful to be true, just too believable. Yet it's the truth.
To be frank, I wasn't ready to herald a departure from my problems, got stuck in it and my world evolved on daily basis around it, unable to escape as if I was bounded by some kind of invisible chain-lock and the only key had been thrown away in the middle of the sea. I accepted that kind of fate like it was sort of a yummy candy and gobbled it straight away without even blinking. But thanks to the kind souls who had initiated the move because they cared, and lending me the hands I needed to get back up after free-falling to the bottom pit of the wall.
Stress-induced, I wasn't able to live my life the way I planned to. I reckon those who've experienced the same situation would've known to what extent we're mentally and physically exhausted by this, constantly trying to rearrange few things that looked wrong into somewhat right to our eyes, only to find ourselves rearranging them on another sporadical attempts. It was adamant that that was how we're supposed to live, that it was the only way of living, no other options were made available to be hand-picked by us. Very enigma, I know. Some sort of an endless war, with no winner nor the loser. Dragged to an infinite number of the same occurrence, a loop.
Every now and then I keep on thinking the reason of why I'd choose to venture into this kind of situation; to be an anti-socialist, merely burying myself in my lily-scented room for as long as possible, avoiding people, avoiding trouble, avoiding every single thing. Yes that's the right word, avoidance. Instead of lurking wide-eyed for a definite practical solution, I turned my face into some abstract idea that it was the right thing to do. Nonsensical judgement I made there but when we're being immersed with nothing but negative thoughts, it seemed an idealistic one. Confrontation only brings fatality - that was the idea that rooted from the incident.
Anyhow, that was just my dark (perhaps, darkest) history and I've made a big fat full stop for that one chapter of my life. Today's a sunny day, and it seems promising that life would be better from today onwards. I've slugged my feet through this hazardous episode, subsisting entirely with the support from my boy, my heart shaking in fears of dying any minute, yet I survived and still is in one piece. But the reason for this survival is exclusively because the involvement of the other parties, not because I made it through by myself - a fact that I must humbly admit.
Lessons learned, it's impossible for us to be alone. Solitary does not brings out our full potential. It's tiresome and cumbersome when we have to work everything just with these two hands, incapable of reaching others and let others to reach you. Beleaguered only with nothingness. A sense of captivity behind our own steel bars. But now, everything's changed dramatically, completely. I bounced back, full-geared to reminisce and relive my joyous life euphorically. This is the aftermath. A victory.
Bowing my head, I thank all of you, especially my boy, and that five beautiful souls I'm proud to bestow as my best friends for lending your ears, your hands, and your heart to me; someone who's just lacking of everything, and also to few others who'd reached me and shared their concerns. Thank you so much. Thank you for welcoming me as who I really am, and thank you for accepting my shortcomings.
Life is, as a matter of fact, beautiful because it is enriched with very very nice people around us.
Thank you, God.
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